| Livejournal = my venting space |
[21 Feb 2007|01:14pm] |
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mood |
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I think this song by say anything kinda sorta sums up how i feel...
Replace the name Molly with ALAN CAMARGO and its all good::
Here I am, laid down, at the end of my rope, wishing I had not been born.
Now I’ve spewed too much. I can never shut it up. I thought you should be warned
And I implied black sky took the needle to my eye and sucked out all its glow,
Woah! Molly Connolly ruined my life. I thought the world should know.
I can’t stop thinking about what she did wrong to me.
I can’t figure out just what I did wrong.
I’ll kill myself thinking about the things that you did to me, Molly Connolly.
Can't stop thinking about what she did wrong to me.
Just can't figure out just what I did wrong.
Kill yourself thinking about things that you did to me, Molly Connolly.
KC!
Can't stop thinking about...
Just can't figure her out...
Kill myself thinking about my Molly Connolly.
Life has been rough lately, but its nothing i haven't brought upon myself.
I guess what i want to vent about is the fact that you were my only true best friend (so i thought) and you completely stabbed me in the back and now you want to go and say that this is all on me!! FUCK YOU> You never called.
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[25 Oct 2006|09:23pm] |
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all i have to say right now is... wow.
this was NOT all my fault.
I can't believe this shit.
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[25 Oct 2006|12:55am] |
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mood |
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disgusting |
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FUCK!!
I hate everything. I'm so sick of all this shit. I'm screaming so FUCKING LOUD but noone can hear me. I know people can see this shit. I'm so fucking sclose to the bottom that i'm choking on the fucking dirt. I give up. I can't do this anymore, i can't fucking deal with myself. I can't get away from this.
I fuck everything up. Every good thing that i've ever have i destroy it. I'm so sick of this cycle, everything that ever gets close to me ends up hurt, so how about i fucking lock myself away and don't let any one come near me ever again. I'm about to shove any fucking .... uhggghhhh....
I'm climbing a fucking sand dune.
every step i take forward i fall back five steps.
there are no words for how i fucking feel. Nothing is real. Nothing makes sense. I don't want anything anymore.
ATTENTION EVERYONE:
STAY THE FUCK AWAY
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[19 Oct 2006|09:11am] |
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mood |
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I always end up doing the same god damn things to all the people around me, and there have been people to point out how horrible i am along the way, and that person that did it two years ago really got to me, got to me so bad that i was suicidal, and now this next person thinks that they can talk to me the way they are. I'm not going to let myself get to that point again. It's stupid, immature, weak, pointless, and again just plain stupid, but when i stop trying to put this off and actually think about this, I am the horrible person you are describing and throwing in my face. I always have been and always will be. Its disgusting.. the things that i have put people through, and i almost feel nothing except this disgusting feeling of regret thats killing me inside more and more everyday, like you could never imagine. I can't count all the friends/relationships i have ruined because of my sick need to be desired and wanted. i want to disapear, i really do. Before i fucking do this again... it'll happen, even if i tell myself now that it won't. This is what i do. i destroy peoples hearts.
I want to go back and fix everything, but i can't. and its seriously killing me. It's like i don't feel anything anymore from anyone. (except one person, who is my saving grace right now and he doesn't even know it)
... this is sick.
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| :) !!!! |
[18 Oct 2006|10:52pm] |
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mood |
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music |
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By high, i don't mean by drugs... |
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I just need to get this out.
I'm so glad that i have ended up with this person. I never thought i could actually love someone this much until now. Now that i am with him i know that no one else will ever compare. This is crazy. I think i always knew on some level that we would end up together. I used to "daydream" that i would be sleeping in his bed and he would neal by the side and kiss me to wake me up. He didn't do exactly that, but he's perfect. I am so in love. I'm starting to feel like this is unreal.
aghh its crazy wonderful.
As for the rest of my life: SHIT!
I hate school
I hate work
I don't have my license still
I don't have a car
My best friend hates me
Same person is breaking to peices emotionally majorly(sp) and there is absolutely nothing i can do or say to help, because i'm a big part of the problem.
I always seem to mess up the best things in my life.
If i screw things up with Dave, i might just have to lock myself in a corner and never talk to anyone ever again EVER.
well this is ridiculous. I have to right an english paper right now.
i'm still shaky, that tells you how amazing things can be, despite how shitty everything else can be.
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[17 Aug 2006|06:41pm] |
I'm sitting at Kayla's Grandma's house and i feel bad because dave isn't bowling becuase he went to the fair to see me.. at least thats how he made it seem. at any rate i feel guilty.
But i guess i shouldn't, right?
eh.
I guess me and kayla are going to a party later... whoo.
There are some people that i want to talk to that i haven't in a while. I'm scared to though.
Now i'm going to watch kayla's sister do ballet when she was a child.
BYE.
And by the way... If YOU just so happen to read this... I still care about you a great deal, and i am concerned about the way you've been acting and the things you've been doing. You are one of my BEST FRIENDS and i want you to know that i care. Seriously CALL ME. Its something you rarely do, and i want to be a part of your life... but if i don't get a call every now and then, then i will assume that you are done with me.. hope to hear from you.
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| Random |
[03 Jul 2006|12:28am] |
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mood |
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My boobs look bigger right now than normal... I like that. If only it would last, or at least maybe someone were here to see it...
haha...
I'm sitting in my basement ('cause thats where the computer is) and under the stairs is a smaller room. I don't like when the door is open. I get bad ... vibes... i guess... I think someone could have hung themselves in there. I'm all creeped out now. I don't like this basement... or anybasement for that matter.
I want to get married and but a house with a basement and fix it up so that it doesn't seem like a basement anymore. Kinda like my Aunt Cheryl's old house was just before they moved.
So yesterday I woke up at 9AM, went to work, from work to Kayla's party, where i got completely wasted (guess who gave me the first drink of the night??? MY DAD!!) i fell asleep at 6AM and got back up at 9AM to go straight to a family reunion(SP) completely hung over, then from there straght to work again and then straight to Steph's grad party. I'M TIRED.
I think i'm so tired that i'm not tired anymore. I'm not making anysense.
I keep thinking about this situation and that we have to talk tomorrow and i'm very nervous.
I don't know why. Maybe its stupid. Or maybe i'm just dumb. Ugh.
I'm going to find some pictures for myspace.
I'm such a loser. Oh! Oh! just like my icon!!! look up^^^
ha! good bye!
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| hey LJ world... how goes it? |
[26 Jun 2006|11:21pm] |
Haven't updated in a long time...
Things have been pretty crazy for the past few day, i'm not gonna lie.
Honestly i have no idea whats going on.
so thats all... just an update...
sweet. Bye.
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[02 May 2006|06:09pm] |
I seriously hate myself. For real. This is going to be a very "emo" entry i guess so don't read it if you don't want to here it.
But for real, I always put myself in these situations where ANYthing that i do is going to end up hurting someone else and it sucks.
Right now i have to watch him all depressed and currently fucked up on to much shit to even function. watch the other one upset because ... well that one's obvious.
I should just lock myself in a room with now window and have someone build over the door and just leave me there to rot. PLEASE.
I always say things because it pleases people and then Crush them because i'm a HORRIBLE person.
lajldgaowethaksjfgiawure tvoaefavsvhawiryvfaosvnftarura h
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[24 Apr 2006|06:02pm] |
I break in two over you.
... Now you see me, now you don't.
Now you need me, now you don't.
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| whoa |
[16 Feb 2006|01:25pm] |
well i almost said yes right away, but then i thought for a second, so i said eventually. And that I meant. But I still say you have to ask me later, again. With a ring! A big pretty one... j/k. but really.
That cought me extremely off guard as you already know.
Its kind of funny because in the mall and driving home i was thinking how i might be ruining my whole chance with you because you're just waiting. so i thought why the hell wait? why should i go out with all these people and then when you find someone tell you its not right? i mean its not fair. So i was thinking that eventually your just going to lose interest, and realize, "what the hell am i waiting for? wasting my time for?"... Honestly i don't want that to happen but that would only be fair.
So that is why, aside from the obvious, i was speachless.
but, i do love you. more than i let you know.
i'm sorry i do this.
so, i say Maybe, eventually, yes.
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| BOORRREEED |
[10 Feb 2006|01:04pm] |
We aren't doing anything in this class *english* and i've run out of things to do since every f***ing website is blocked on these computers, including Hairstyle sites. Why would that even matter at all?
Anyways tonight is the dance and i'm all stressed out cause i have to do my own hair and i plan on curling it but i'll probly fuck it up and have to redo it anyways... thats what happened last year with josh and we were late to dinner then to the dance. :( and i have to do my nails still and emily is doing my make up, Me and Randy don't know who we are going with yet. Maybe Kate Ireson... she has a limo and she invited us, except that it'll cost 18$. which reminds me, i somehow spent ALL of me paycheck in two days, and i have almost nothing to show for it. wtf?....
I wrote a poem the other night, but i think it would definatly upset some people... one person... so i won't post it, but i think its decent.
I haven't been ably to talk to josh all week and we agreed that we definatly need to... it's been bothering me.
well three minutes left, i'm off...
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[01 Feb 2006|01:28pm] |
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I'm getting really sick of being here to support you and not being acknowledged at all.
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| i feel like i shouldn't be feeling/thinking anymore. |
[31 Jan 2006|07:13pm] |
I realized the other day that i haven't come home after school and stayed there until i went to bed since like.... forever and a day ago. seriously.
Why? because when i go home, i realize how disgustingly depressed i am and i don't like that because then i end up doing things i don't want to do.
I don't even have a good reason for my depression. It's just (t)here. and when i'm out or at least with someone else then i don't think about anything except whats happening at that moment.
Anyways...
Saturday, February 4th is gonna be the best night EVER!!!!
Everyone is invited, and please please go.
Kids in the Way (look 'em up on purevolume) will be playing plus 4 or 5 other bands
at UUMC for 10 bucks...
If your interested, call me (586)274-4043
i relive each memory from time to time
read notes exchanged
with all those scented pages
it's comin back
it's all comin back to me now
...
I cried so much the other night...
Why do I push everything and anything good away??
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| If you look at this... |
[30 Jan 2006|01:49pm] |
I don't know if you were expecting anyone to actually go into your lj, but i did, and it really scares me. I know that this probably means nothing to you because i'm not someone you EVER see, but really I care about you a lot, and i'm honestly worried about you. If you want proof of it or something i can give you any of my freinds numbers and they'll tell you that i've mentioned you from time to time. If the entries were serious, then you have other options than suicide. There are places that you can go (counseling centers) where you don't have to tell your parents. Do the friends you mentioned know anything at all about what you feel inside? Tell them and i'm 99.9999% sure that they would try and help you. Also you talked about a church, a youth group... talk to the person in charge of the youth group, they know how to try helping you too. And I'm here to talk too, you have my number, hell if you can't get hold of me, call my boyfriends cell and ask for me.(586-872-3249) Seriously, he wouldn't give a shit, and i would want to talk to you. Even if i'm not with him, he'd know where i was.
I really do care about you, and i know what its like to be in your position somewhat... I've contemplated too. like your in some world that isn't even real,You seriously believe that no one cares, and nothing would change.
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| Please Comment for this entry |
[25 Jan 2006|07:30am] |
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I am writing a story for my newspaper class and I need interviews 'cause the deadline is coming up quick. So what I'm going to do is write some stuff in here and if you really love me, or even if you don't, but you have any opinion at all on these things please please PLEASE comment!!
Tell me what you think about this:
- A big trend that is starting up mostly in southern states like Texas is to get a boob job or a nose job for your sweet sixteen or for graduation.
Here are some actual questions:
- Would you ever get cosmetic surgury done? If you would, what would you get done and why?
- What would your parents do if you told them you wanted it?
Now that isn't too much to comment on, and i'm seriously BEGGING you to answer those!! If you can think of anything else you want to add in on the subject go ahead (like if you know some one who had something done)
Just know that this is for the school newspaper and if you comment I'm most likely going to use it in my story --but only if you go to cousino.
Btw - 326,233 cosmetic surgery procedures on patients who were 18 years old or younger; when there were only 3,949 patients who were between the ages of 19 and 64. (that is the number that ASPS certified surgeons performed in 2004, so thats not including all the other docters who are scamming people for money and doing this in their basements)
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[23 Jan 2006|01:37pm] |
I just found out that i failed my second semester art class. because i had 3 zeros on 'sketch book' assignments. These assignments are only worth 10 points. How the hell did they kill my grade like that??
I haven't found out any of my other grades yet, but now i'm scared.
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[12 Jan 2006|12:18pm] |
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mood |
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drained |
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i've had this on/off migraine since friday afternoon... and i am not liking it at all, but who would?
I also just ate subway and now feel like i'm going to be sick all over the place.
Some things that are going on:
-McDonald's makes me sick now
-Sweethearts -- I have to pay for ALL of it myself, so Randy is hopefully going to be able to pay for the tickets.
-i have to find a dress, and shoes, and someone to do my hair
-i have to get my unlimited tanning thing soon.
-dye my hair red/black. (that black thats got the red shine)
-make my body able to fit into a SMALL dress size and not what it would be right now.
-Find out Everything about the dance, and write my newpaper article on it.
-See CHIODOS!!!! on saturday
^assuming i can convince my mom to let me go
-Get my mom to sign me up for the ACT's before it goes away again
-See a chiropractor (this also involves getting mom to do something)
-Meeting for the 4th on the 19th
Also the dance is on the 10th, ACTs are on the 11th, and what weekend is crysalis(sp) again???
I need more hours, but i'm not 18 and i have to go to school... how am i supposed to pay for this shit??? I am becoming a very stressed out person just writing this entry and think about it all...
back to this stupid assignment, which i now have to start over completely because the school computers have deleted my project.
Thats all i can come up with for now...
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[06 Jan 2006|12:50pm] |
i think i just figured it out. your staying because you were trying to find yourself because you were lost and confused, but now that you found "person" your identifying yourself with them and your afraid that if you lose them you won't have anything else left, but really your just afraid to lose yourself.
I think i had the same thing. But even thought i'm still getting over the hurt its nowhere near what it used to be. Despite what people say it really does get better with time, and i pray that you could find the strength to leave this because i'm watching you lose yourself more and more everyday.
i don't think you'll know this is to you when you read it... but i was thinking about it and maybe thats it... or maybe i'm just making reasons in my head for you because i hate seeing you get hurt.
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[21 Dec 2005|10:14am] |
MySpace isn't working right now.
So in response to your message Andy... I put single because I AM NOT MARRIED. I put single for everything because of that one reason right there.
I am very happy in my relationship and the fact that i put single on the myspace page has nothing to do with it.
hmph.
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